This site was put together by me (Rabbi Danya Ruttenberg) when I was a rabbinical student. As you can see, it hasn’t been updated in a while; I’ve been busy, doing other things. It is not comprehensive. If you’d like to send me another model of a ceremony that isn’t listed here, please do email me and I’ll get it up when I’m able.
As a rabbinical student, I became interested in a question that has both interesting theoretical layers and serious practical implications.
In the first part of the traditional Jewish wedding ceremony (called Kiddushin), the groom hands the bride a ring, and, by doing so, acquires her (the technical word for this transaction is kinyan.) Some (Judith Romey Wegner, among others) argue that he is “just” buying her sexuality, the right to monogamy, and others argue that the aquisition is more general than that. But in any case, the sources are pretty clear about what’s happening.
For more on the ins and outs of the traditional ceremony, please go here.
My question was, is there any way to have an egalitarian, kosher wedding ceremony–in which nobody is bought or, possibly, both groom and bride buy each other?
I wrote a little research paper on the question, and then discovered that I couldn’t escape it. Friends getting married were asking me for help, I took a class on the halakah that turned out to be all about the problems of kiddushin. I was invited to join a feminist study group, and it turns out they were already knee-deep in the question of kiddushin.
In short, I’ve started to hear a lot of ideas on what Jews who are both committed to tradition and to a more egalitarian sensibility might do in a wedding ceremony. I don’t agree with all of them, but for the purposes of the site, that’s not the point–rather, it’s a space to catalogue all of the various ideas people are having on this question, and to make space for discussion and debate.
I’m pretty sure there’s not one perfect solution, certainly not one that’s perfect for everybody. For some, a more traditional kiddushin might be important, and perhaps folks’ll be happy to see some ways to do that give the bride more of a role in the ceremony. For others, discarding the notion of acquisition altogether is important, and they’re looking for a meaningful substitution. And other folks might want to have their cake (a halakhically binding ceremony) and eat it too (that is also feminist). Filter the advantages and disadvantages as you like; my bias is all over this project, and you’re encouraged to chuck it for your own biases instead,
As I get the time (and then, as I hear of more ideas), I’m going to post what I know on this site, so that it can be a good general resource for people who might be looking for something like this. I’ll more or less describe the idea, offer whatever I might have in terms of its textual basis, and offer some very off-the-cuff thoughts on its advantages and disadvantages for couples who are trying to figure out how to do this. Obviously, the gender thing looms large in a lot of these suggested rituals, but some should also be of interest to same-sex couples as well.
If you’re reading this site and not the type who’s well-versed in the ins and outs of Jewish law, please discuss whatever you’re thinking re: your own ceremony with a rabbi who is. I don’t claim authority or halakic purity for any of these methods; they’re just things that smart people have suggested to me, and I wrote them down. Please do not try to operate this heavy legal machinery without a serious understanding of how it works.
It’s not meant to be comprehensive or the final word on anything–it’s more of a sketchbook of the ideas I’ve been hearing in various places. I’ll cite the idea’s author whenever I have one (and/or I’ve been given permission to do so). For more information about me, and who the heck I am, feel free to check out my personal site here.
All content on this website (including text, photographs, audio files and any other original works), unless otherwise noted, is licensed under a
Creative Commons License.Text may not be cited without attribution to its author, Danya Ruttenberg, and this site.